What was meant to be an arbitrary getting to know you type of question touched me in a way I was not expecting.
If you only had 30 days left to live, what would you do?
How would you answer that? Being faced with your impermanence is hard, it’s terrifying yet stunning.
I would see my friends Crystal, Kelly, Martina, Jessica, Jennifer and Nicole and tell them how much they mean to me. I would make sure that they understand how much they changed my life for the better. I would tell them I love them all for who they have been to me in all the stages of my life.
I would see my mom; I’d ask her to hold me. I would tell her I am so lucky she is MY mom. I would thank her for the life she gave me and the lessons she taught me. I would remind her she is so beautiful, amazing, and courageous. I’d share just how proud I am of her, and how so very proud I am to be her daughter. I would tell her she succeeded in her job as my mom because I AM happy.
I would visit my dad to thank him for being an amazing father, teacher and role model. I would thank him for loving me. I would ask him to let me sit on his lap like I did as a child while I told him how much I loved him and how lucky I am to have him in my life. I would ask him to take me out on the boat one last time so we could sit silently and watch the sunset.
I’d fly to Arizona to embrace my friends and family. I’d go see my Grandpa’s grave and tell him I’m on my way to kick his ass in golf. I’d feel joy in knowing I wouldn’t have to miss him much longer. I’d dance with my friends until the sun came up. I would spend the night under the stars in the desert.
And to you Jay, my amazing partner, I would pray that you have the most incredible, happy life you could ever hope for. I would tell you all about the woman God has in store for you after I am gone. I would pray that she treats you better than I ever could. I would tell you how excited I am for the life you have ahead of you, and how lucky anyone who gets to do life with you is. I would ask you to make love to me and to hold me. I would ask for family cuddles in our bed like we do every Sunday morning with my sweet dog Abby, you and Henley one last time. I would remind you that you are the most incredible, honest, and kind man I have ever known. You are brave, strong and one hell of a Dad.
I would then hold my son. And cry a lot. I would close my eyes to try to imagine the life he’s going to have. While his little fingers wrapped around mine, I would imagine his hands growing big and strong, just like his father’s. I would imagine his first day of school, high school and his first dance. I can see him standing in the mirror while his dad teaches him to shave for the very first time. The day he finally chooses a partner and the joy glimmering in his eyes. I would then see his smile the day he becomes a father. I would kiss him all over his face; even though he wipes them off, I’d keep kissing him. I would leave him a note to read when he got older that said, “My ONLY regret in life is not getting to hold your hand all the times you got scared, hug you when you were happy and tell you how proud I am of you. You are the greatest gift of my life.”
Tomorrow I am going to start doing this, even though I may have a lifetime yet ahead of me.
What would you do if you had 30 days to live?
On that note, please enjoy this stunning session with two beautiful people who know the meaning of love, letting go of things that don’t matter and living life.